You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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