you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
