Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
