i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
