Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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