Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
