When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
