and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
