yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
