I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
