i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
