If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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