It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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