I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
