Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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