So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
