Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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