She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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