# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
