I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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