he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
