Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
