I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
