The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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