Your face is a jimmy john
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
