i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
