if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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