His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
