My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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