After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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