I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
