Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
