I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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