Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
