Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
