so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
