: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Is that strawberry winking at me??
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
