You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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