I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
