i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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