getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
