Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
