i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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