he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
