Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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