Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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