i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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