and you said cock pushups were impossible
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
