I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
