I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
