hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
