I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
