My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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